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treadmill, dreadmill, deadmill.

I had the opportunity to fork over $25 and run on a treadmill last weekend. (I was in Vegas at a conference, and the only available running times were in such hours that I would have been be-headed by co-workers if I ran outside alone.)

So I did what any logical person would do. I decided that if I was going to pay to run one of the 3 days I was in Vegas, I may as well make it worth my money. So I ran for a couple of hours.

This is Las Vegas. You know, the place that has thousands of people staying at the hotel I'm in, which has 4 Starbucks in it, and a fitness center that cost $25 per day and is the size of a closet. It also had crappy old treadmills, only 2 TVs which played infomercials  and a bathroom so far away I almost left the maids a present in a hallway.

During my wonderful stint on the treadmill, to entertain myself on an otherwise dull morning, I did one of my favorite things: I people-watched. I am bad at it. I stare.

Here are a few treadmill types I've noticed:

The Incline Walker:
Usually the Incline Walker sets the treadmill at the highest incline, then grasps the handlebars for dear life. Occasionally you'll be able to spot the rare "Advanced Incline Walker." These are the ones that put so much weight on their upper body, that every couple steps they lift their bodies off the treadmill. You know, to give their legs a break. Or to levitate using their arms. I'm not sure which.

The Old Man:

He is usually dressed in lycra. In Las Vegas, he was wearing neon patterned lycra with the top tucked into the bottoms. Typically the old man is in decent shape. They usually run two miles, increasing the speed every couple of seconds. I am unsure of if this is to see how fast they can finish their two miles or to see if they can give themselves a voluntary heart attack. They always make me nervous.

The Antelope:

Usually male, in their 20s-30s. Tall and lean. They don't run, they lope. For every 7 steps I take they take one. Often this causes me to stare, which results in me falling off the treadmill.

The Princess:

Female. Although they're not teenagers, their ponytail is higher than anything you'd see on a cheerleader at a high school football game. Typically they vary between jogging, walking, and straddling the treadmill band to drink bottled water. They manage to do all of this while reading fashion magazines. Most impressive is their athletic apparel. Who knew they made sequined exercise clothes?

The Hot, Strange, Nerd:

I mean nerd as in someone who researches exercise and science and realize that LSD (both drug and the type of run) is bad for their bodies (they are often physical therapists, nutritionists  chiropractors or other similar professionals). They are easily spotted by their fit bodies, glasses, and bizarre exercise routines. Meaning, they hop onto the treadmill, run 9mph for 30 sec, then do some burpees beside their treadmill, get back on the treadmill and run 30 more sec, get off and do strange twist lunges with 2lb weights, get back on treadmill.... and so forth. Odd, but at least they're entertaining eye candy.

The Heavy Sweater:

often also the Treadmill hogger. This is the person that sweats an obscene amount. They don't frequent the gym scene often, but when they do they leave their mark- sweat puddles under the treadmill, and sweat drops all over the face and sides of treadmill. Often the treadmills beside this runner are empty, since occasionally the sweat drops fly off their elbows and onto the bodies of unsuspecting exercisers.

Also spotted but not highlighted: The Gossiper, The Man Coach, and The Large Worker.

What treadmill type are you? I am the heavy sweater. I make those around me even more uncomfortable when I close my eyes to pretend I'm on a trail, and alter my footfalls to "jump over rocks" and avoid the bad sections of trail. Fortunately for all, I avoid treadmills at all costs. Although rumor has it that in a desperate moment I once ran 22 miles on a treadmill. I'm sure it's just a rumor though.


  1. I thought fitness centers were included in Vegas hotels! I will have to figure out which type if treadmill runner I am, or want to be?

  2. I desire to be the old man treadmill runner. I'd do anything to look that sexy while running with my shirt off.


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