Skip to main content

how to suck at running

In case you don't suck enough at running, I'm here to help you. I'm nice like that.
less is more.... or at least, it keeps more people away

1. Eat crap. Who needs chlorophyll, iron, or protein? We got carbs! Saturated fats! MSG! GMOS! Wahoo! Don't fotget the BVO that is in gatorade. Yum Yum.
food is better when it doesn't grow mold or change properties over time. 
2. Have fun. Never push your limits, I mean, it's supposed to be stress-relieving right?
always be true to yourself
3. Ok, having fun it over-rated. Every time you run your 2 mile loop around your suburb, try to PR it. The whole rest day, fartlek, tempo run thing can just be combined into try hard every day. Get upset every time you run your loop 5 seconds slower.
"if a marathon were easy it'd be called your mom"
4. Decide to try fueling while running. Slurp down electrolyte flavored semen packets. Throw up a little in your mouth, ignore your GI when it gets pissy with you since it does not approve of the type of sodium used in the packet, and smile. Hey, it's convenient!
I bet it tastes just like peanut butter too.... bwahaha! (why aren't you eating real peanut butter again?)
5. Believe urban legends. Pickle juice works better than salt tabs. Eating lots of carbs and grains right before a long race won't give you diarrhea  Never pop a blister. Cramming lots of last minute miles in the week of a race won't impact performance. Supportive/barefoot/moonshoes will magically solve all of your problems.
pretty sure this is why the faster runners keep me around
6. Spend lots of time at the running stores. Be sure to tell them about every time you've ever rolled your ankle over a rock, how many times a month your hamstrings hurt, and exactly what locations your sports bra and shorts make you chafe.
I can't get over his tongue

7. Get injured. Believe it will never heal. Don't strength train opposing muscles, and utilize weird things like chiropractic, massage, healing/anti-inflammatory foods, or acupuncture. Just stay injured.

8. Stare at your watch. Who do you expect to keep pace for you, the sidewalk? Watch that garmin!
donuts. another great recovery option.
9. Sign up for a race every weekend. You have the week off, plenty of recovery time.
10. Don't run because you ate dairy, or you have occasional knee pain, or you have gas, or your lucky shoes are dirty, or your grandma might call, or it's your uncle's birthday, or it's late, or if it's hot outside, or if there's a sun, or if you have feet,  or you have children, or if you sneeze. You'd better just take a rest day.

That's it! Hope this helps you suck just a little bit more. :)


Popular posts from this blog

the runner's low

The runner's high - that sought after, beautiful feeling of flow, fulfillment, contentment, and even pleasure - is so present in running media and culture, it seems as if the runner's low doesn't exist.
...Yet it's presence is continually there. It shows up in different ways - the post race blues with the unbalance of hormones and exhaustion and lack of routine. It can slide in at envy of others runs, their training schedule and ability, their social fun. It is deep in sultry pains of an ultra, when we question ourselves, who we are, why we are doing this. It's fierce when we are injured and unable to run at all. It sneaks in as a "NEED" to have another adventure, another high, and the low feeling when we can't satisfy that craving. It seems part of an addictive solution for our brain to feel happy and alive. It exists -  we remember a particularly fun run/adventure/race, and we want it - again. Even right after a race, blisters still oozing on our f…

standhope 60k

it seems like the last few years I've aged, and I've grown. I lost my identity as a runner. if I didn't run frequently, if I wasn't in the mountains, if I wasn't pushing my own limits, what was I? 
I'd retained the identity as a mother, daughter, sibling, friend, student of literature and wilderness. this was a shift - less time, less comments, less messages with the running community that I didn't know well, a deepening of friendships and relationships with those closest to me.
it felt odd, going into standhope. I didn't have goals, I wasn't sure where I was at with running, I wasn't in shape for racing. I had this idealism, that if I raced hard, I could inspire others, not to run, but to pursue life with passion. but, what about when I can't race hard? when life is racing too hard for me to train?
earlier this year my Dad was diagnosed with mantle cell lymphoma. visits to the hunstman increased, my mileage decreased. when looking at anoth…

that WEIGHTY issue

It's been said to us climbers that what we do is dangerous, and irresponsible. How could we risk our lives like this? And distance trail running, if it compromises our health why do it? How dare we take that time away from our families? And yet, to even make mention about a different lifestyle, one of weight, obesity, and all of the very dangerous and risky components it involves is socially disgraceful, insensitive, and cruel. I bring this up only to show how much weight, in general, is not "ok" to talk about. It's a sensitive subject, even, no, especially, for those of us already at a healthy weight who use our bodies to their fullest daily...

Now, this blog is about running, ain't it? Yep. So while there's a lot of "weight" we could cover in this "weighty" area, we'll just go over one. Running.
Running and weight are intertwined. I'd like to say that this post is primarily for the ladies, because we typically store more weight t…