I like to dream big. A lot of these "unrealistic" "big" goals I keep close to me. I don't want the vulnerable feeling of admitting I want to do the impossible.
Not that I think I have the talent, skills, or abilities to conquer my goals. I'm just a little 5ft girl who likes to eat birthday cake ice cream for dinner while wearing cartoon 5th grader t-shirts (true story, that was last night!) My first marathon finish is always fresh on my mind, 5:07. I'm proud of that finish too. In high school, I tried the whole cross-country thing with literally no success. I'm not fast. What've I've gained in the last 10 years I've worked really, really hard for. Or at least played really, really hard for! ;)
That said, I'm trying to put myself on the line more. Most of the things I want to do, the things I spend hours on google maps studying, the blogs and athletes I stalk following their lines... I need assistance. These dreams are bigger than me. My last two long runs, Antelope 100k and White Rim 100 adventure run, wouldn't have been remotely possible without those who paced/crewed/supported/trained with me.
My biggest fears, the anxious and scared feelings of being put on the spot or being forced/coerced into the spotlight, I have to face if I want to improve.
I (rather reluctantly) was coerced into having an article written about the white rim. "It's what your sponsors want and expect of you." "You'll inspire others to get out and try, won't that be worth it to you?" NO! Was my response. How selfish am I being, I thought to myself. I gave in. The resulting beautiful article is more due to Arianne's immaculate writing skills than any accomplishment of mine. When the article went live, I hid. I turned my phone off, didn't sign in to Facebook, and literally hid under the covers that night. (I thought hiding under the covers was a figure of speech. Nope.) Something funny happened... despite my hiding and reluctance, some people were inspired. Some weren't; some were angry with me (I must be such a media hog, ha). But the few emails of acquaintances and strangers who told me, I signed up for my first race after reading that... well, they made it worth it.
I grew up with parents who pushed me to continually try harder. "It's too hard" I was taught to replace with "if I work hard it won't be. "I can't" was replaced with "it may be difficult but will always be within reach." I've never had much self-confidence, and a youthful history of severe depression has prevented me from ever having the "I love myself" mentality. Still, the mindset I was raised with always lingers... It's all possible. Dream big. It'll be a lot of work, but it can be done. (My first text post first 100k was to my parents, thanking them for teaching me that even if I don't believe in myself, I can believe in the impossible and do it.)
On a side note, if you (even if I don't know you) ever ask me if you could do X Y or Z... my answer would be YES. Maybe not now. It might be really hard. REALLY hard. Training for it might about wreck you. But if you're willing to suffer enough, well, I guess I really believe anyone can do anything they set their mind to. Period. Pace, race, distance... I think not enough people believe they can do hard things.
So, 2014 (and the items being calendared for 2015) I am dreaming big. I'm still working on not shying away from answering time goals for things. But, in lieu of not being more open about all my personal 2014 goals and dreams; here is my tentative racing/adventure run calendar (race efforts bolded):
Feb: Wedge (possibly double)
Mar: Buffalo 100
April: Zions traverse (fun run)
May: R2R2R (fun run)
June: Bighorn 100
July: linking all of the Utah 13ers in a single push; Timp Repeats
Aug: Kings Peak; 1st WURL attempt
Sept: WURL; WURL; WURL. Squawsatch 100
Oct: possible Kokopelli Trail or a 100k-100mile race or Zion's again
Also I only have a handful of pacing/crewing items calendared (not listed) so... here's an offer! :) I love to be a part of other's adventures, dreams, and races.
Well 2014, here's to dreaming big and going outside of the comfort zone.